By Charles O. Anyiam-Osigwe.
I was watching my pet cat the other day and it reminded me so much of you that I decided to write you.
What came to my mind, concerning your character and lifestyle makes quite a CATALOGUE! – Please don’t take a CAT NAP now! Don’t PUSSYFOOT! Don’t ignore the rest of the story! It will improve your vocabulary which I know is quite limited.
Cats really make wonderful picturesque saying as so you can’t afford to be ALOOF about this piece. If (as I am sure) most of the words are lost on you, I have added a glossary of the terms used at the end of the piece. Is it raining CATS AND DOGS where you are now? You really should relax and read through. After all you have nothing to lose – this piece is meant for entertain, as well as educate.
Speaking of your school days, I recall you were one of those who needed to be threatened with CAT-O’-NINE-TAILS to get them off to school. You used to like playing CAT-AND-MOUSE games with the teachers; and you were quite stubborn.
You were also quite notorious for your CATTY remarks to other students, making their lives miserable. At other times you were a bit SUBTLE, but still a pain-in-the-neck to your mates.
You were never a COPY CAT. Rather you blazed the “trouble” trail which others followed to their detriment. You definitely were no CAT’S-PAW!
I remember that one of your class mates was SPHINX- like and that used to annoy you very much.
You certainly were not the CAT’S WHISKERS when it came to mathematics- ACROBATICS were more your line.
You had, a tendency to make CATCALLS at the girls, and it is a wonder how you had time to do any reading and even graduate from school.
A man of deep vanity, thinking yourself PHOTOGENIC. You tried to get your picture into every edition of the school magazine, and each time to any reading and even graduate from school.
A man of deep vanity, thinking yourself PHOTOGENIC. You tried to get your picture into every edition of the school magazine, and each time you came out in print, you looked like the CAT THAT SWALLOWED THE CANARY. Your classmates really had you for dinner, when a particular edition featured you looking like “SOMETHING. THE CAT BROUGHT IN”.
We must thank God for small mercies! Given that you cared so little about school, and considering your various ANTICS and escapades; it is heartening to see that you didn’t turn into a CAT-BURGLAR.
I heard you married rich, and are engaged in a ding doing battle with your wife to avoid being DOMESTICATED. Your neighbours say that your CATERWAUL is something else when you and your wife argue. But since I know that you have never been a SCAREDY CAT, I am sure you will stick it out.
I have always wondered what makes you tick; however, since CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT. I think I better leave well enough alone. But, my dear friend, if one day you decided to LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG, do me the honour of being among the first to know.
Well that’s all for now.
I wish you the best as always FAT CAT!
From,
Your old School Chum.
N.B GLOSSARY.
CATALOGUE: descriptive list
CATNAP: Doze.
PUSSYFOOT: Move cautiously, softly or stealthily
ALOOF: Detached, cool or distant in character; unsympathetic.
CATS AND DOGS: In great quantities; fiercely.
CAT-O’ – NINE – TAILS: whip made of nine knotted cards fastened to a handle, formerly ised to flog prisoners.
CAT-AND-MOUSE: To torment, or toy with before attacking; take repeated or prolonged action against a weaker party.
CATTY: Spiteful’, mean or malicious SUBTLE: Not immediately obvious; elusive
COPYCAT: one who copies somebody else.
CAT’s PAW: to be used by somebody else
SPHINX: Anyone who is difficult to know or understand.
CAT’S WHISHERS: To be particularly good at something.
ACROBATICS: Any difficult or complex activity requiring unusual ability.
CATCALLS: Rude whistles.
PHOTOGENIC: Especially good subject for, or looking well in, photographs.
“CAT THAT SWALLOWED THE CANARY”. To look particularly pleased about something.
“SOMETHING THE CAT BROUGHT IN” Non complimentary term used to denigrate.
ANTICS: Absurd behaviour; pranks or amusing acts.
CAT BURGLAR: One who breaks into a house by climbing.
DOMESTICATED: To tam; bring wild animals under human control.
CATERWAUL: To make a yawling cry like that of cats in heat; to utter discordant sound.
SCAREDY CAT; Someone who is easily frightened.
“CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT”. Often said to one not minding his own business.
“LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG”: To give away a secret.
“FAT CAT”: One who leads a good life without working too hard for it.
Image: Petraradioshow.com