By Dorothy C. Anyiam-Osigwe
Love and Polygamy is one topic which generates a lot of controversy and emotive outpourings each time it comes up. Polygamy [the practice of marrying more than one wife]was developed in the time of our forefathers, and still in existence and more common amongst Africans. In the past, the need for manpower to till the soil gave rise to the institution. As more women were engaged in farm work, they found themselves becoming wives and concubines of the farm owners.
Today, although modern farming practices have reduced this manpower need, polygamy still exists in our midst. To some people, polygamy still exists in our midst. To some people, polygamy still exists in order midst. To some people, polygamy is just a way of life, and oftentimes, their reasons are backed by their religious beliefs. Islam, for instance, allows a man to marry more than one wife. To some other men, the need to show off their wealth, power and status in the society, leads them into the institution of polygamy.
The need for variety and seeming unbridled sexual appetite prompt some greedy men to have more than one wife. Yet another group is forced by circumstances to become polygamous, particularly in cases where the first wife has not been able to bear children, and the man’s family and friends are anxious for him to have them.
Whatever the reasons, my candid opinion is that Love and Polygamy do not go together. They are, as they say, “poles apart”. It is difficult to accept that there can be love where there is polygamy. A man, no matter how many wives he has, can only be honestly “married” to “one”.
In a polygamous setting, it is difficult to love the wives or treat them equally. Most people who have more than one wife will tell you they cannot fully confide in any of them to be fully loyal.
For love to blossom there must be confidence in each other, loyalty to each other, and total devotion to one other.
LOVE is peace! The stories we hear about polygamous homes don’t give the impression that there is much peace in such homes. The wives, who are usually suspicious of each other, can hardly ever hope to be friends. More often than not, they fight amongst themselves, set the children against each other, and commit all sorts of atrocities in the name of jealousy and envy.
With so much bitterness, backbiting, (no peace for the man; no peace for the woman; no peace for the children), what should be a happy home, becomes more or less a “war zone”. Even when the man decides to house the women under different roofs, there are still problems as the man now becomes a “shuttler”, moving from one house to the other.
This invariably takes its toll on his health as he gets older. Pray, tell me, could this b love! Could there be love in a situation where there is so much divided attention, and loyalties! The women themselves cannot honestly say they are in love. Oftentimes, they enter this “arrangement” for money, someone to just father their children.
The children themselves sometimes find themselves confused and emotionally insecure.
It is no exaggeration to say that a man is better off “loving” only one wife. If I am to go by my understanding of love – absolute loyalty, total commitment, mutual understanding, companionship, caring and sharing – then love and polygamy are strange bedfellows. Whilst it is true that not all polygamous homes are “war zones”, as there are few of them with “happy endings”, it is still difficult to find true love in a polygamous setting.
To the men, I say, “the ball is in your court”. If you want to experience true love, you better leave polygamy well enough alone. Same goes for women.
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