LAUGH QUOTE
All divorces start with the words Let’s get married.
WISE GUYS ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
QUESTION: Why are you so quiet?
WISE GUY: I am listening to the voices in my head.
TEACHER AND STUDENT
BRIGHT SPARK
The teacher asks the children: Everyone who thinks he is not so bright should please stand up.
After a while Peter stands up and the teacher asks: Peter, why did you stand up?
Peter: Well you know, ma, I felt it was not right for you to be the only one standing.
BUSINESS JOKE
Not so Dumb Blonde
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from London to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and pulls down the window shade to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me £5.00, and vice versa.” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me £5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you £500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a £5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-worker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her £500.
The blonde says, “Thank you”, and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer? “Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
CUTTING COMMENT
“Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.” –Samuel Butler
MARRIED LIFE
A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning.
He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.
Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down, it is like a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.
He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”
To which she sleepily replies, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?”