LAUGH QUOTE
Take things as you find them – but make sure no one sees you. –Leonard Levinson
Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Alex!
Alex who?
Alex the questions round here if you don’t mind!
BRANCHING OUT
If money does not grow on trees why do banks have branches?
WISE GUY’S ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
QUESTION: What do you call fake spaghetti?
WISE GUY: An impasta!
FIGURE IT OUT
A man consulted a psychiatrist because he was worried about his wife. “She’s got this terrible fear of having her clothes stolen,” he told the doctor.
“How can you tell?”
“Only the other day I got home early and found she had hired a man to stand in the closet to guard them.”
SAFTY IN IGNORANCE
Boy to father: “I’ve decided to stop studying.”
“How come?” asked the father
“I heard on the news that someone was shot because he knew too much.”
MIND YOUR BUSINESS
It was one of those parties where everyone talked through the nose. This well dressed guy walks up to this pretty looking chick says, “Hi, my name is Jim and I’m a businessman”. “Hi, replied the chick, “My name is Jane and I’m none of your business!”
Holy Humour
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”
One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.”
“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets — we’re one short.”
HE’S GOT THE KEYS.
A man went on a night out with his friends. When it was way past mid night the wife got very upset and vowed to herself that she wont let him in when ever he comes back home.
At about 1.00 am the man comes back and knocks…
Wife yelling through the door at him “Go sleep where you’re coming from!”
Man answered “I’m not here to sleep darling, the Chemist store has closed I’m here to collect some condoms in my room. They are in my bedside drawer, give it to me, there’re lots of women at the party!”
The wife opened the door and said, “You’re not going anywhere enter the house.”
Funny court transcript
This is from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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