
Man-to-Man is a weekly column that appears every Friday on Pride Magazine Nigeria Online. It is a column for men written by men that aim to encourage and empower our male readers to become Better Men in all spheres of life. We welcome contributions to this column and topics can cover all the gamut of life and living: Career, power, politics, finance, love, dating, sex, fashion, grooming, health, fitness, cars, life, spirituality, and what have you. Mails and contributions be sent to cao@pridemagazineng.com
By B.U.
‘When will it ever be, honey?’ Her mind is knotted up in doubt as she stammers out the words that have kept her awake all night.
‘When will what ever be?’ he returns icily.
‘Oh be serious, honey, you know what’s on my mind!’
‘Except you take me to be a wizard or soothsayer, else how would I know?’
‘Look, I’m tired of your not being seriousness…’
‘About what?’
‘Marrying me! You promised me we would do so years ago…years ago’. A sob or two escapes her throat.
Pushed a little further, he’d probably blot out what you really can’t say out loud: ‘look, honey, I’m not ready yet. Ok!’
What is it that holds men back?
- Fear of the unknown. Marriage might be an uncharted territory which some men are just not ready to venture into.
- Reluctance to surrender one’s self completely to another person, vulnerabilities and all – that is scary!
- To be responsible to one stranger, no matter how familiar may be a huge burden.
- Being mindful of a partner’s wants and objections. Decisions are made after consultations with her – hanging out with the boys for a long night out won’t be left to the man to decide alone! Men love their freedom and marriage may seem to be an unwelcome containment of it.
There is a responsibility that comes with marriage, a responsibility towards another human being, and with children the responsibility increases. There is also the compromise that comes with marriage. You live with a fellow grown-up, who does not just accept things the way they are but asks questions, argues decisions, nags perceived slip-ups, fights hints of oppression, cries at unfairness, savors all forms of tenderness. So a man definitely has to be ready for marriage, and it may probably take him some time to be ready.
Perhaps, the reason why men do take their time, and are often not ready for marriage as much as their female partners may be the way men are raised. In some way, the boy child to some extent has fewer restrictions than the girl child. This gives the boy a greater degree of freedom, and coupled with no biological clock ticking, less incentives to tie himself down to marriage.
Men also consider the financial situation when they are thinking of marriage. Despite the growing number of women in the workforce, there is still a default mentality that the man provides for his family. The man, in essence, would question if he were financially capable of taking care of a family. This, in my opinion, is one of the major reasons a man may postpone getting married.
Men love their freedom whereas marriage seems an encroachment upon it.
With these playing out in the minds of men, a lot of them opt for a less stringent arrangement, such as an Abuja Marriage (live-in-lover) – a lot of the benefits without most of the commitments. But, is this fair to the woman?
It is important that as men maul over their fears, and consider whether they are ready or not for marriage, they should not lose sight of the ones beside them. When next she leans and asks, you may tell your woman your fears, and your aspirations – two heads some say are better than one.
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