Dear Dorothy,
I have been struggling with impostor syndrome for some time, and I honestly do not know how to deal with it. Whenever I achieve something good, I find it difficult to feel proud of myself. Instead, I keep wondering whether I truly deserve it or whether I was simply lucky.
At work, I sometimes feel that other people are more intelligent and capable than I am. Even when I receive compliments for doing a good job, I find it difficult to believe them. I often worry that someone will eventually discover that I am not as good as they think I am.
I compare myself with other people a lot, especially those who seem to be doing better in their careers. Although I know I have worked hard to get to where I am, I still feel as though I am not doing enough.
The worst part is that these feelings sometimes stop me from taking up new opportunities. I am afraid of failing, disappointing people or being exposed as someone who does not know as much as they should.
I want to become more confident in myself and my abilities, but I do not know where to start. How can I stop feeling like a fraud and learn to appreciate my achievements?
Signed,
Yvonne
Dear Yvonne,
First, I want you to understand something important. Feeling inadequate does not automatically mean you are inadequate.
Impostor syndrome is the feeling that you are not as competent as other people believe you to be, even when you have evidence of your abilities and achievements. You may find yourself questioning your success, attributing it to luck or worrying that people will eventually discover that you are not good enough.
You are not alone in experiencing these feelings. Many capable people struggle with self-doubt, particularly when they enter unfamiliar environments, take on new responsibilities or find themselves surrounded by people they consider more accomplished.
However, you must be careful not to allow your doubts to become the reason you deny yourself opportunities.
Here are a few things you can start doing.
1. Stop dismissing your achievements
You said you have worked hard to get to where you are. Why, then, are you quick to dismiss your accomplishments as luck?
Of course, opportunities, timing and the support of others can contribute to success. But that does not mean your effort, skills and contribution do not matter.
The next time you achieve something, resist the urge to downplay it. Acknowledge the work you put in and allow yourself to feel good about the result.
You do not have to be the best person in the room to deserve your place in it.
2. Stop using other people’s success against yourself
There will always be someone who appears to be doing better than you. Someone may have a better job, earn more money, receive more recognition or seem to have everything figured out.
But you are comparing your everyday struggles with what you can see of their lives.
You do not know every challenge they have faced, the support they have received or the things they are still trying to figure out.
Instead of using another person’s progress as proof that you are falling behind, learn to see it as evidence of what is possible. Their success does not cancel yours.
3. Learn to accept compliments
When someone tells you that you have done a good job, how do you respond?
Do you immediately explain why it was not a big deal? Do you attribute your success to someone else? Or do you secretly wonder whether the person is simply being nice?
The next time someone compliments you, try saying, “Thank you. I appreciate that.”
You do not need to argue against every positive thing someone says about you. Learn to receive genuine appreciation without feeling the need to prove that you are not as good as they think.
4. Permit yourself to be a beginner
Sometimes, impostor syndrome becomes stronger when we enter a new role or take on a responsibility we have never handled before.
We expect ourselves to know everything immediately, forgetting that learning is part of the process.
You are allowed to ask questions. You are allowed to make mistakes. You are allowed to need guidance.
Being competent does not mean knowing everything. It also means recognising what you do not know and being willing to learn.
Do not reject an opportunity simply because you are not yet an expert. If you meet the requirements and are willing to grow, give yourself a chance.
5. Keep a record of your progress
When self-doubt creeps in, it can become difficult to remember how far you have come.
Create a record of your achievements, positive feedback, challenges you have overcome and skills you have developed. Include the small victories, not just the major milestones.
On days when you feel incapable, revisit that record.
You may discover that the person you keep criticising has actually done more than you give them credit for.
6. Take action even when you feel uncertain
You may be waiting for the day when you finally feel confident enough to apply for that job, pitch that idea, speak at that event or accept a new responsibility.
But confidence does not always come before action. Sometimes, it develops because you take action despite your fears.
You do not need to eliminate every doubt before moving forward. You simply need to stop treating doubt as proof that you cannot succeed.
Take the opportunity. Prepare as best you can. Ask for help when necessary, and learn along the way.
7. Seek support when the feelings become overwhelming
If your self-doubt is persistent and begins to affect your work, relationships or general wellbeing, consider speaking with a counsellor or mental health professional. They can help you explore the beliefs behind these feelings and develop healthier ways of responding to them.
You do not have to work through everything alone.
Dear reader, you may not feel as capable as other people think you are, but that does not mean their confidence in you is misplaced.
Sometimes, we become so accustomed to criticising ourselves that we struggle to recognise our own growth. We focus on what we lack and overlook what we have learnt. We celebrate other people’s achievements while treating our own as insignificant.
You deserve to give yourself the same patience and understanding you would offer someone you care about.
You will not always be the most knowledgeable person in the room. You will not always get everything right. There will be moments when you need to learn, improve and try again.
None of these things makes you a fraud. They make you human.
You do not have to know everything to be qualified. You do not have to be perfect to be valuable. And you do not have to feel completely confident before you permit yourself to succeed.
Start by acknowledging how far you have come. Then take the next step, even if your confidence has not quite caught up with you.
You have spent enough time questioning whether you deserve your achievements. Perhaps it is time to start recognising the part you played in earning them.
Warm regards,
Dorothy