Dear Dorothy,
I’ve started to notice something about myself that I can’t quite shake. I’m competitive about almost everything — work, friendships, even small, insignificant things. If someone shares good news, a part of me immediately compares it to my own life. If I’m not “winning” or doing better, I feel unsettled, sometimes even irritated.
It’s affecting how I respond to people. I don’t always celebrate others properly, and afterwards I feel guilty. I don’t want to be this way, but I also don’t understand where it’s coming from or how to stop.
Why am I so competitive in my nature and reactions?
— Feyitola
Dear Feyitola,
You’re not alone in this, though many people won’t admit it as honestly as you have. What you’re describing isn’t simply competitiveness — it’s comparison-driven self-worth. And while uncomfortable, it’s also very human.
Let’s unpack it.
Competitiveness often begins as something useful. It pushes people to improve, to strive, to grow. But when it starts to spill into every interaction, especially personal ones, it usually signals something deeper: a quiet belief that your value depends on how you measure up against others.
That belief can come from many places. You may have grown up in an environment where praise was tied to achievement, or where being “the best” brought attention or approval. It might also stem from insecurity — not in a dramatic sense, but in the subtle, persistent feeling that you are only enough when you’re ahead.
So when someone else succeeds, it doesn’t just register as their success. It feels, unfairly, like your loss.
Your reactions — the comparisons, the discomfort are your mind’s way of trying to protect your sense of worth. The trouble is, it uses the wrong measuring stick.
The important thing is that you’ve noticed it. That awareness is the turning point.
Now, what can you do?
First, separate achievement from identity. You are not your rank, your wins, or your progress compared to someone else. When you begin to root your self-worth in something steadier, such as your values, your effort, your character, other people’s successes stop feeling like threats.
Second, practise deliberate celebration. This may feel forced at first. When someone shares good news, pause and respond outwardly with warmth, even if your internal reaction lags behind. Over time, your emotional response will begin to follow your behaviour.
Third, be curious about your triggers. Is it certain people? Certain milestones? When you identify the patterns, you can gently challenge the thoughts behind them: “Their success doesn’t diminish mine.” It may sound simple, but repetition reshapes instinct.
And finally, allow yourself some grace. You are not “a bad person” for feeling this way; you are someone learning to relate to yourself differently.
Competitiveness, when balanced, can still be a strength. It becomes a problem only when it robs you of connection and contentment. Your goal isn’t to erase it, but to soften it and to let it drive your growth without dictating your relationships.
The fact that you want to change tells me you already value something deeper than winning.
Hold onto that.
— Dorothy