Dear Dorothy,
I am a woman in my thirties, but something that happened when I was eight years old still affects me every day.
When I was a child, I was kidnapped on my way home from school. Thankfully, I was found after a few days and returned safely to my family. Everyone was relieved and life appeared to return to normal. However, I do not think I ever truly recovered from what happened.
As a child, I was told to forget about it and move on. Counselling was not something people talked about back then. Over the years, I learned to hide my fears and carry on with life. I finished school, built a career and even started a family.
The problem is that the memories never really left. I constantly worry about the safety of my children. I panic if they are even a few minutes late from school. I avoid unfamiliar places and become anxious when travelling alone. Certain sounds, news stories and even conversations about crime can leave me feeling shaken for days.
My family thinks I am overly protective and sometimes dramatic. They do not understand why I react the way I do. The truth is that I often feel as frightened as the little girl who went through that terrible experience.
Lately, the anxiety seems to be getting worse rather than better. I feel exhausted from always being on alert. Is it possible to still be traumatised by something that happened so long ago? How can I finally move forward?
-Mercy
Dear Mercy,
Yes, it is entirely possible for a traumatic experience from childhood to continue affecting someone many years later.
Being kidnapped is an extremely frightening event, especially for a child. While your body may have grown up, part of your mind may still be carrying the fear, uncertainty and loss of safety that came with that experience. Trauma does not always disappear simply because time has passed.
What stands out in your letter is that you were encouraged to move on without receiving support to process what happened. Many people from older generations were told to be strong and stay silent after distressing events. Unfortunately, unprocessed trauma can remain beneath the surface and appear years later as anxiety, hypervigilance, panic or an overwhelming need to control situations.
Your reactions concerning your children make sense when viewed through the lens of your experience. You know, in a very personal way, that terrible things can happen unexpectedly. While others may see your concerns as excessive, your mind is trying to protect you and your family from a danger it once faced.
That said, living in a constant state of alertness is exhausting and unfair on you. You deserve more than survival. You deserve healing.
Consider speaking with a qualified therapist who has experience working with trauma. Therapy is not about forcing yourself to relive painful memories. It is about helping you understand how those experiences continue to affect your present life and learning healthier ways to manage the fear.
You may also find it helpful to share some of your feelings with trusted family members. They may not fully understand your reactions because they have never heard the complete story of what you still carry inside.
Most importantly, try not to judge yourself for struggling. The frightened child inside you endured something deeply distressing. The fact that she still needs care and attention does not mean you are weak. It simply means a wound that was never fully treated is asking to be healed.
The kidnapping happened many years ago, but your life is happening now. With the right support, it is possible to feel safer, calmer and more at peace than you do today.
Be patient with yourself. Healing does not erase the past, but it can stop the past from controlling the present.
Best wishes,
Dorothy