Dear Dorothy,
I love my partner dearly, but I cannot stand their messiness. Dirty dishes pile up in the sink, clothes are left strewn everywhere, and I always seem to be the one cleaning up after them. I’ve tried dropping hints and even spoken to them directly, but nothing seems to change. I don’t want to turn into a nag, but I also don’t want to live in constant chaos. What should I do?
— Arabella
Dear Arabella,
Living with someone who has different cleanliness standards can be incredibly frustrating, especially when it feels like you’re carrying the weight of household chores alone. However, all is not lost.
First, have an open and honest conversation with your partner, not as a complaint, but as a discussion about how their messiness affects you. Instead of saying, “You never clean up,” try, “I feel overwhelmed when the house is untidy, and I’d love for us to find a way to share the workload more fairly.” This shifts the focus from blame to teamwork.
Next, consider setting clear expectations. Some people genuinely don’t notice messes the way others do, so a little structure might help. You could agree on a cleaning schedule or assign specific tasks. If they struggle with habits, gentle reminders (without exasperation) might help reinforce the routine.
If they remain resistant, try a compromise perhaps hiring a cleaner for a few hours a week or setting boundaries about shared spaces versus personal ones. If they prefer a messy room, but common areas stay tidy, it might be a middle ground that works for you both.
Ultimately, relationships require compromise, but they should never feel one-sided. If their messiness continues to negatively impact your well-being, you may need to consider whether this is something you can live with long-term. After all, love is wonderful, but so is a peaceful, comfortable home!
Best of luck,
Dorothy