Dear Dorothy,
I am a 24 year old woman and I have a scar that runs across my left cheek from an accident I had as a child. Although it has healed, it is still very noticeable. Growing up, I learned to ignore the comments, but as an adult I find them harder to deal with.
Whenever I meet new people, I feel they notice the scar before they notice me. I avoid having my photograph taken and I often wear my hair in a way that covers part of my face. I have even turned down invitations to social events because I worry about how I look.
Recently, I started seeing someone who says my scar does not bother him at all. He tells me I am beautiful, but I struggle to believe him. I keep wondering if he is simply being kind. I am terrified that one day he will decide he wants to be with someone who looks “normal.”
My lack of confidence is affecting every part of my life. I know people say beauty is more than appearance, but I cannot seem to stop feeling embarrassed about something I cannot change.
How do I learn to accept myself?
-Ashanti
Dear Ashanti,
Thank you for writing so honestly. It takes courage to share something that has caused you pain for so many years.
Your scar is visible, but what seems to hurt you most is not the scar itself. It is the story you have been telling yourself about what it means. Years of unwanted comments and curious stares have convinced you that your appearance defines your worth. That is an incredibly heavy burden to carry.
The first thing to remember is that everyone has something they feel insecure about. Some insecurities are visible, while others remain hidden. Your scar happens to be one that people can see, but it does not make you less deserving of love, friendship or happiness.
The fact that your partner sees beyond your scar is worth paying attention to. Understandably, you find it difficult to believe compliments when your own self-image is so negative. However, try not to dismiss his words simply because they do not match the way you see yourself. Allow yourself the possibility that he is being completely genuine.
Confidence does not come from having flawless skin or perfect features. It grows when you stop allowing one aspect of your appearance to determine your entire identity. You are far more than a scar. You are your kindness, your intelligence, your humour, your ambitions and the countless experiences that have shaped you.
If you continue avoiding photographs, social events and new opportunities, you give your insecurity more power over your life. Instead, challenge yourself gently. Attend the gathering. Smile for the photograph. Meet new people. Each positive experience helps weaken the fear that has been controlling you.
If these feelings have been with you for many years, speaking with a counsellor could also be very helpful. They can help you work through the emotional impact of your childhood experiences and develop healthier ways of viewing yourself.
Remember that scars often tell stories of survival. They are evidence that you have healed. While you may always notice yours, many people will remember your warmth, confidence and personality long after they have forgotten the scar on your face.
Be patient with yourself. Learning to accept your appearance is a journey, not a single decision. You deserve to live fully without hiding from the world, and with time, I believe you can.
Best wishes,
Dorothy