Dear Dorothy,
People often tell me that I come across as too serious. In meetings, social gatherings, and even casual conversations, I notice that others do not approach me easily. I am not unfriendly, but I tend to keep to myself, focus on tasks, and speak only when necessary.
The problem is that this is starting to affect me socially and professionally. I have been told that I can come across as intimidating or distant, even when I do not intend to. I worry that people are misreading me, and I do not want to be seen as cold or unapproachable.
I want to change this, but I do not know where to start without feeling like I am pretending to be someone else. How do I become more approachable without losing who I am?
-Rukky
Dear Rukky,
What you are describing is more common than you might think. Many capable, thoughtful people are perceived as serious simply because they are naturally focused, observant, or introverted. None of these traits is a flaw, but they can sometimes create distance if others misinterpret them.
The good news is that approachability is less about changing your personality and more about adjusting small signals that you send out unintentionally.
Start with your facial expression. You do not need to smile constantly, but a softer resting expression can make a big difference. A brief smile when you make eye contact, or a small nod when someone speaks, can help others feel more comfortable around you.
Next is your body language. Crossed arms, a fixed posture, or always being glued to a device can unintentionally create a barrier. Open posture, occasional eye contact, and turning slightly towards people when they speak can make you appear more welcoming.
You might also consider adding small verbal cues in conversations. Simple phrases like I see what you mean, that is interesting, or how did that go can signal warmth without requiring you to become overly talkative.
Another helpful step is initiating small interactions. You do not need to become the life of every room. Even a simple good morning, a light comment about the weather, or asking a colleague a casual question can gradually shift how people perceive you.
It is also important to remember that you do not need to change your core personality. Being serious, focused, and thoughtful are strengths. The aim is not to dilute who you are, but to make your intentions more visible to others.
Over time, consistency matters more than intensity. Small, repeated gestures of warmth will slowly reshape how people experience you.
You are not trying to become a different person. You are simply allowing more of your human side to be seen.
Best regards,
Dorothy